The TOP 5 - Unpleasant Observations on Corporate America

1) It’s not how much you know, it’s how much you can bullshit. Success in corporate America isn't about a solid product – it’s about a fake smile, an equally forced laugh during the dinner sale, and the never-ending barrage of how do you dos, pleasantly put in the direction of people about whom you literally could not care less. Add to this the daily task of taking in menial and obscenely repetitive semi-lectures from a boss who treats you the way a special ed teacher treats baby Rain Man, and by the end of any given workday you've both given and taken enough bullshit to fertilize a small farm. The great Winston Churchill once said that ‘success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.’ Well in the world of the office, where success is measured in pay grades, furthering oneself consists of nothing but going from proverbial ass-reaming to ass-reaming without loss of rectal fortitude or ambulatory hauteur.

2) Obesity breeds contempt. For the millions of cube-space-clad jobs across this fair land of ours, intrusively obscene obesity seems to be both a pre-requisite and a byproduct. When a person’s weight causes an unpleasant visceral reaction from all who are forced to see them, its not just a personal ‘thing’ anymore – it is an unwelcome intrusion on my liberty, and in the opinion of some, is as uncivil and criminal as walking around with your johnson out. And we’re not talking just a healthy embonpoint or a sturdy voluptuousness here – no, we’re talking bona fide fat-ass. It is truly unbelievable to watch human beings enter the workforce as Chris Farley-sized sea cows and then promptly and unabashedly balloon into John Candy-esque blimps. Well-meaning workplaces encourage and even sponsor dieting programs, only to watch their already overweight employees continue to dine daily on dirigible sized portions of McDonald’s, the gazillion calories of which they truly believe will be ‘walked off’ with a lap and a half around the company parking lot during break time!

3) There’s one in every office, and to the bewilderment of all, they’re usually the one in charge. In the steadily careening vicissitudes of the world workplace, there is a single fact upon which one may unflinchingly rely: if you have a boss, and particularly if you have more than one, you have an unequivocal guarantee that your superior – and one that you interact with daily – will be such a pain in your ass and thorn in your side that it will make the thought of rubbing poison ivy in your eyeballs while simultaneously having needles inserted into your genitalia seem like a pleasant escape from the reality this bastard will daily impose on you. There’s one in every office, and to the bewilderment of all, they’re usually the one in charge. Why? Because these kinds of people are born brown-nosing ass-faces. These are the people who live such worthlessly execrable existences both in and out of the workplace that the only form of flagitiously trivial happiness they can squeeze out of their otherwise languid day comes from treating their peers like steers, and then finding even the most banal excuse to reprimand these aforementioned folks in tones normally used only by the crazed teacher scolding the 5 year-old who just flung feces all over the pre-school wall. These are the kind of people who had only a single friend growing up – their imaginary one.

4) Killing trees is king, and paperwork rules the day. Listen, everyone knows that in any kind of working environment anywhere on earth, there are always going to be a certain number of papers that need filling out and maybe more than a few reports filed. That’s just the way it is. Fine - no complaints here. A few signatures at the bottom of documents and the occasional status report are certainly among the least of things to be expected of anyone earning any decent kind of wage. But note the keyword in the above sentence – occasional. Bingo, we have a problem. In today’s America, where taking responsibility for feeding the goldfish now seems to be an insurmountable chore, vast amounts of office paperwork have become a pure resident evil. And we’ve brought it on ourselves. No one trusts anyone’s word anymore, and why should they? In a culture where it’s more popular to slack off and then sue the co-worker that calls you out on it than to honor a handshake, we’ve suddenly found ourselves drowned in our own deluge of dishonesty. The once simple unspoken agreement to show up and do an honest job everyday now means about as much as Constitutional knowledge and political integrity mean to Nancy Pelosi. In other words – precisely jack shit.

5) Yes, you are surrounded by idiots. If you have graduated college, possess a social IQ above 2, and have even the slightest shred of dignity, self-respect, or good manners, chances are that you are one of the brightest bulbs in the building. This would be funny if it weren't so true. You graduate college ready to enter the workforce and conquer the world…only to find out that the chick who dropped out of high school to have three kids and spend her free time hitting on the local bowling alley attendant is now already rungs ahead of you on the company ladder - and may even be your boss! Huh? Well, while you were away for four long years furthering yourself (or so you thought) by taking tests, composing vast research theses, debating weighty tomes with doctors of philosophy, and learning how to be a well though-out and positively contributing member of society, this bimbo was back kissing corporate ass and gaining 'valuable work experience.' Now, you get to sit across the hall and listen to this same female fling crass monosyllabic clap trap into the phone as she spends the majority of the workday fighting with her tractor-pulling-Kevin Federline-wannabe of an ex-boyfriend over the custody of baby Cletus, pausing only to slap a shit-eating smile on the boss man as he saunters by. Annnnnnnd, we're back to square one. Welcome to hell.